Conservative News & Commentary

Sep 10, 2013 — by: Finnious T. Fogbottom
Categories: Culture

Girl-campingWhen our daughter returned from the campground restroom she tried her best to tell us what she had just seen and heard. It took a while for her giggles to refrain into intelligible words and I must say that along the way her breathless laughter became really, really contagious.  Just like the majority of U.S. Senators and media types when the current president speaks, we had no clue as to what we were so convulsively happy about. But that lack of wisdom did not quench our giddiness.

What had actually happened was that as she neared her destination she detected both male and female voices enthusiastically arising from the ladies side of the outdoorsie facility.  Upon cautiously entering, therein she discovered two twenty somethings busily fidgeting to get just the right long lens, tripoded, really nice camera shot in the gloomy incandescent toilet room light.  As it turned out though the subject was a large plastic spider.  Yet to the environmentally sensitive superior and fair minded city folk it was an amazing and possibly undiscovered spidey species.

I knew instantly what she was referring to as there was a matching obviously plastic representation on the fellow’s side.  I was wishing that I had been the one to  think of that prankish deception.  Those in attendance were surprised if not unconvinced that I was not the perpetrator.

Anyway, this all reminded me of Jonah’s hard fought involuntary Godly initiated journey to that Ancient-Going-To-Hell-In-A-Hand Basket place called Nineveh. Excavations in that region have revealed (at least part) that which made them so ungodly whacky - their religious goofiness toward fish.  Some of their superstitious worship relics included human figures and figurines with a fish situated outside of their human mid sections - sort of like the aquatic blowup plastic floaty kiddy swim rings that were so popular a while back.  

So yes, that gave me a somewhat original idea?! Though it may be a bit spendy at first, if we were to INVEST in a few hundred million huggy fishy floaties and dump them in some very very very special place it would more than likely keep the crazies completely OCCUPIED doing and imagining the weirdest of things for the longest time.  Free medical grade smokin dope would probably help in that diversionary process more than we could ever imagine. That would give us enough of a break so we could actually get back to acting like we live in the good ole USA again; instead of Russia, China or Nineveh!  And for heaven sakes all of those exhaustive efforts to bring indigenous whimsy folksy lore tall tales into the political, educational, scientific research and resource management etc. etc.etc. etc. mix could be put (quite inadvertently) to beneficial use!  

So for the price of a bunch of petroleum based products we could RESTORE and deliver the ungodly land of the Klamath Fish Frenzy away from the goofy and unto the hands of the sane.  Along the way in order to fulfill the related plastic floaty product demand we could also “drill baby drill”.  That would help (in real and sane terms) RESTORE the job and wealth hemorrhaging American green economy as well!   

Oh what a win, win win Wineveh situation!  
Finnious T Fogbottom

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